My hubby is doing security today for the Air Force Academy graduation here in Colorado Springs. He put on sunscreen before he left this morning, and now the house smells like an island oasis.
And Doritos. An island oasis mixed with Doritos.
Damn you Zan, for smelling so icky.
On an unrelated note, I get to go talk to a therapist. Yay. Apparently my regular doc thinks that suicidal ideation warrants a talk with a professional. I think it warrants a piece of pie. Chocolate cream, preferably. But, whatever.
Here, I'll elaborate. Mainly because I've decided that I don't really care what people think about me any more. I'm weird, I'm messed up, I believe strange things, and if you don't like it, then fuck you. Go away. I switched my meds up again - mainly because of the whole "suicidal ideation thing". And because I'm honest with how I feel, I get to go see a therapist. Which to me, is more depressing than depression. See, I don't have any family issues, no big secrets or skeletons in my closet causing me pain, no traumatic childhood.
Nope. So I don't see how a therapist will help. I'm not going to talk and spill my guts and feel magically better. Not going to happen. What will help is getting my brain chemistry balanced. And talking ain't gonna do that.
So I guess this was kinda a rant. Just a little frustrated at the moment.
And now I have to go to the gym and work off the chocolate pie.
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Project 365
This pic is actually for yesterday (Saturday).My new painting, titled "So Close, Yet So Far"
It's a painting representing bipolar disorder (which I have). There's a TON of symbolism in this painting.
Of course, I'm too lazy to explain right now XD
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Frustrated
Do you know how annoying it is to be on meds for bipolar and still be having hypomania? It's getting old. At first, I was all about the hypomanic states. I had tons of energy, I was always in a good mood, quick to laugh . . . it was kinda nice. Especially compared to my depression.
But the mania is now becoming a nuissance. I'm getting more and more inappropriate at work, cussing a lot more, and feeling unstable in my moods.
NOT a good sign.
I have yet to find a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients and my PA I've been seeing, she's great, but psych is not her specialty. I'm worried I'll have to switch up my meds and start all over.
So it's frustrating, to say the least. I have to make a very strong conscious effort to keep control of my behavior. And it's getting tiresome. I'm at the point where I don't really know what to do. I've been wanting to go out less and less because I'm worried about how I'll act.
And as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm going to cry, whereas this morning I was hyper and manic. I'm cycling rapidly.
If y'all have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
But the mania is now becoming a nuissance. I'm getting more and more inappropriate at work, cussing a lot more, and feeling unstable in my moods.
NOT a good sign.
I have yet to find a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients and my PA I've been seeing, she's great, but psych is not her specialty. I'm worried I'll have to switch up my meds and start all over.
So it's frustrating, to say the least. I have to make a very strong conscious effort to keep control of my behavior. And it's getting tiresome. I'm at the point where I don't really know what to do. I've been wanting to go out less and less because I'm worried about how I'll act.
And as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm going to cry, whereas this morning I was hyper and manic. I'm cycling rapidly.
If y'all have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Seriously, I'm NOT crazy . . .
Well maybe a little.
So I went to my doctor today (a different doc at my family practice office) as I can't get in to see a psychiatrist. It seems Colorado Springs is chalk-full of crazies and no one is accepting new clients. Awesome.
So anyway, I go to see PA Foss, to talk about my depression, and meds, and what I should be doing. I told her that I took myself off of the Prestiq as it made me feel like crap, and that I put myself back on Zoloft and increased the dose from 150mg to 200mg (the max dose). I'm all I stopped the Prestiq 2 dayse ago and I'm on day 3 of being back on the Zoloft and I feel fantastic! And she's all okaaaaaaay. So I tell her - it's okay - I'm a nurse! She kind of nods her head knowingly.
Then she asks me how my moods were before I ever started an antidepressant. So I tell her about knowing I had depressive feelings in middle school, and that I was a cutter in 6th grade but that I totally sucked at it because I don't like pain, and that most of the time I felt pretty normal but just with marked depressive periods. Then shes all have you ever spent money you didn't have on things you didn't need? And I'm all nooooo . . . . .wait! Yes! Yes I did! And then, did you ever go days on only a couple hours of sleep? Ummmmm, yeeeeeeees? When I was younger - you know - in my early 20's.
(I'm starting to feel slightly uneasy at this point, mind you). Then she asks, ever think you could take ever the world? And I'm all DUH! I'm freaking awesome! I could totally do it! She stares at me. I'm all I'm just joking, you know. I couldn't take over the world. Not without help, at least. I need minions.
She nods again. I feel a little crazy. I'm thinking, is she testing me? Man, I'm gonna fail . . .
But then she tells me she thinks that I don't have depression. She thinks I'm BIPOLAR.
Wait. What?
She says, not the crazy, full-on manic type of bipolar. Type 2, which generally has periods of elevated mood followed by depression. You fit that to a T. And most antidepressants don't work for you. And when you find one that does (Zoloft), you have to keep increasing the dose, which gives you an elevated mood for awhile, followed by depression again.
Which is too true, y'all.
I kinda laugh and say, funny you should mention bipolar. My husband has said that for a while now. (she's just staring at me). I mean, because, I always share way too much inappropriate stuff with everyone. People I work with know all about my vagina.
(she just keeps staring). I mean, people I know pretty well. They think it's hilarious. (SHIT. She has to think I'm crazy. Thanks a lot, mouth).
She says, yeah, that's pretty hallmark behavior. But there's no TMI in here!
Anyway, we're keeping me on the Zoloft and slowly adding Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer for Bipolar disorder.
We'll see how it goes.
So I went to my doctor today (a different doc at my family practice office) as I can't get in to see a psychiatrist. It seems Colorado Springs is chalk-full of crazies and no one is accepting new clients. Awesome.
So anyway, I go to see PA Foss, to talk about my depression, and meds, and what I should be doing. I told her that I took myself off of the Prestiq as it made me feel like crap, and that I put myself back on Zoloft and increased the dose from 150mg to 200mg (the max dose). I'm all I stopped the Prestiq 2 dayse ago and I'm on day 3 of being back on the Zoloft and I feel fantastic! And she's all okaaaaaaay. So I tell her - it's okay - I'm a nurse! She kind of nods her head knowingly.
Then she asks me how my moods were before I ever started an antidepressant. So I tell her about knowing I had depressive feelings in middle school, and that I was a cutter in 6th grade but that I totally sucked at it because I don't like pain, and that most of the time I felt pretty normal but just with marked depressive periods. Then shes all have you ever spent money you didn't have on things you didn't need? And I'm all nooooo . . . . .wait! Yes! Yes I did! And then, did you ever go days on only a couple hours of sleep? Ummmmm, yeeeeeeees? When I was younger - you know - in my early 20's.
(I'm starting to feel slightly uneasy at this point, mind you). Then she asks, ever think you could take ever the world? And I'm all DUH! I'm freaking awesome! I could totally do it! She stares at me. I'm all I'm just joking, you know. I couldn't take over the world. Not without help, at least. I need minions.
She nods again. I feel a little crazy. I'm thinking, is she testing me? Man, I'm gonna fail . . .
But then she tells me she thinks that I don't have depression. She thinks I'm BIPOLAR.
Wait. What?
She says, not the crazy, full-on manic type of bipolar. Type 2, which generally has periods of elevated mood followed by depression. You fit that to a T. And most antidepressants don't work for you. And when you find one that does (Zoloft), you have to keep increasing the dose, which gives you an elevated mood for awhile, followed by depression again.
Which is too true, y'all.
I kinda laugh and say, funny you should mention bipolar. My husband has said that for a while now. (she's just staring at me). I mean, because, I always share way too much inappropriate stuff with everyone. People I work with know all about my vagina.
(she just keeps staring). I mean, people I know pretty well. They think it's hilarious. (SHIT. She has to think I'm crazy. Thanks a lot, mouth).
She says, yeah, that's pretty hallmark behavior. But there's no TMI in here!
Anyway, we're keeping me on the Zoloft and slowly adding Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer for Bipolar disorder.
We'll see how it goes.
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