Friday, November 18, 2011

It's back again . . .

The depression, I mean. Not fully. Not crippling. Not yet, anyway. It's starting as it always does, with the anger. The rage. Little things that shouldn't bother me send me into a flury of curses, of teeth grinding, of tears. I feel like screaming and putting my fists through walls. Like destroying everything in my house. I feel hopeless, worthless, pointless.
And after this . . .after the anger . . .comes the profound depression. The lack of motivation, will power. Sadness so deep I can't function. A disconnection with my life and everything in it. I watch from the sidelines, powerless. I would rather cease to exsist than to deal with my thoughts and emotions.
The downward spiral is starting. I see it, I feel it, I don't know how to stop it. I'm tired of the pills that only bring months of relief. I'm tired of the pills that ruin my body. I'm tired of keeping up the ruse that I'm okay and of hearing people say that I'll get better. You don't know that.
I need to stop the spiral before it starts. How am I supposed to do that when I can't see a psychiatrist without attempting suicide? How long can I keep up the charade? How do I tell my family that it's happening again? That I need their help. What do I say to my son when he asks why I'm sad?


Sycamore Moon Studios said...

Your family loves you and wants to help you, I am sure. You tell them what is going on and tell them soon, before things get too far off normal.

Sometimes it takes several tries to find a good fit re: meds. Please don't give up.


juzt saw this post, hope you stopped the spiral before it began, I've been battling with depression for a decade now.. Sometimes letting people you have started to feel bad can stop you from that isolated introspective spiral. Exercise can help a surpising amount and be a healthy outlet for relieving anger, or self punishing feelings. If you gonna execrcise start small but stick to it like a fierce chiton , telling yourself you gonna jog a hour a day, is just gonna make you feel shit when you can't live up to the goal. So start small, don't let yourself make excuses and grow slowly from there. If you can find the right meds, its great, I'm on setraline and its like I don't have a knife in my head anymore. But I went through a few different kinds over the years before I was on zoloft. Keep going, keep connected, because you do get a break!