The depression, I mean. Not fully. Not crippling. Not yet, anyway. It's starting as it always does, with the anger. The rage. Little things that shouldn't bother me send me into a flury of curses, of teeth grinding, of tears. I feel like screaming and putting my fists through walls. Like destroying everything in my house. I feel hopeless, worthless, pointless.
And after this . . .after the anger . . .comes the profound depression. The lack of motivation, will power. Sadness so deep I can't function. A disconnection with my life and everything in it. I watch from the sidelines, powerless. I would rather cease to exsist than to deal with my thoughts and emotions.
The downward spiral is starting. I see it, I feel it, I don't know how to stop it. I'm tired of the pills that only bring months of relief. I'm tired of the pills that ruin my body. I'm tired of keeping up the ruse that I'm okay and of hearing people say that I'll get better. You don't know that.
I need to stop the spiral before it starts. How am I supposed to do that when I can't see a psychiatrist without attempting suicide? How long can I keep up the charade? How do I tell my family that it's happening again? That I need their help. What do I say to my son when he asks why I'm sad?