You know you're a nurse when . . .

These are all true . . .


1. The front of your scrubs reads ‘Nurses… here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
2. You occasionally park in the space with the “physicians only” sign… and knock it over.
3. You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. You recognize that you can’t cure stupid.
5. You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.
6. You believe there’s a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.
7. You believe that saying ‘it can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
8. You wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.
9. You believe that any job where you can drive to work in your pajamas is a cool one.
10. You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
11. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
12. You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
13. You’ve ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say “I’m afraid of shots.”
14. You’ve ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
15. You’ve told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.
16. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago’s water tank.
17. You have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.
18. You believe that not all patients are annoying… some are unconscious.
19. Your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.
20. You don’t get excited about blood, unless it’s your own.
21. You’ve sworn to have “do not resuscitate” tattooed on your chest. Soon.
22. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
23. Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
24. Your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.
25. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
26. You believe that ‘shallow gene pool’ should be a recognized diagnosis.
27. You believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.
28. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase “Wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?”
29. You have ever wanted to write a book entitled “Suicide: getting it right the first time.”
30. You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
31. You’ve had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

Confessions of a Coffee Crazed Nurse

The things that my patients tell me never cease to amaze me.

Take for example Jane, and her husband John (no, not their real names!). So, they're an odd couple to begin with, and have questions about everything.

For example, baby has hiccups. John, "why does he have hiccups? What does that mean? Is that bad? What do you do for hiccups? Should you call the pediatrician?"

Um, dude, your baby has hiccups. Why do you get hiccups? What does that mean? Should we call your cardiologist? Calm down. It's hiccups.

So anyway, John comes to the nurse's station with this deer-in-the-headlights look. I look at him expectantly. He says "I need you for a couple of things."

Me: Okay.

John: Um, can you bring a mop to the room?

Me: Okaaaaaaaaay . . . .

John: And could you take a look at Jane? She's peeing sideways.

Me: Uhhhhhhhhh, sure . . . . (I'm totally thinking WTF do you mean by peeing sideways?)

John: (as we're walking to his room) I don't know what it is. It's like she sits down to pee, and it just shoots out sideways.

Me: Riiiiiiight.

So I go into the bathroom in their room and ask Jane what's up.

Jane: I don't know. When I pee it kinda trickles down my leg a little onto the floor.

Now, let me share something with you. Jane is a big gal. Big. One of her thighs is the circumference of my hips. I don't know if you've ever been sitting on the toilet, slightly more forward than normal, with your legs pressed very firmly together. Pee tends to pool right there. Right where your thighs form a little triangle with your vag.

Trust me. Every woman has experienced this one time or another. And if you say no, you're totally lying.

But I don't have the heart to tell her "dude, you need to sit farther back on the toilet and spread your legs ever so slightly. See, you is rather ample sized, and your vag needs to be completely over the toilet opening. Not mashed between your thunder thighs.

Yeah. Very inappropriate to say that.

So instead I tell her to do some kegels. Seriously y'all. I'm all "well, your pelvic floor muscles have been stretched during pregnancy and delivery, so you need to do kegels to strengthen them. This will help move the bladder back into it's normal position, and will also help with stress incontinence later on in life."

Win for me.

I love my job!

Yeah . . . . . so this is me being totally professional.

I'm very professional. Shut up.

So, many of you know that I'm an RN, and that I deliver babies. Very fun. I thought I'd share one of the reasons that I love my job.

Yesterday (Thursday), my last delivery of the day was quite exciting. Probably not the type of exciting that most people would, um, enjoy I guess.

Why?

Well, it wasn't the best delivery. Baby had her cord wrapped around her neck very tightly. And while mom was pushing, she abrupted. Meaning her placenta detached before the baby was born. Not a good senario. She came out limp, blue, and not breathing (which, incidently, is my favorite type of delivery).

Luckily, infants are very resiliant critters. I had to breath for her for 2 minutes and continue to give her oxygen for another 10, but after that she perked right up. And is doing great!

I love being able to do that!

. . . . .and I don't think the parents mind either!

Confessions of a Coffee Crazed Nurse

I get a flu shot every year. Working in the hospital, it's encouraged that we do and the hospital, of course, will vaccinate us for free. So Friday, while at work, I got my flu shot.
Now, let me tell you a little something about giving/getting a vaccine. They're given in the muscle tissue, most often in the upper arm. When giving an IM injection, you jab (my technical term) the needle into the muscle, and then pull back on the plunger slightly to make sure you're not in a blood vessel. Then push the med/vaccine in, and pull straight out. Most people have a little spot of blood where the needle went in. Normal.
Okay. So I go downstairs to get my flu shot. The nurse who gave me the shot was very nice and gave it expertly. So she pulls out the needle and there's a little drop of blood. She kinda stares at it in horror and I tell her "I always bleed a little after a shot".
And she says (this is priceless) "On purpose?"
Yes. On purpose. I have amazing control over my circulatory system and can make myself bleed at will. It's really quite awesome.
And she's a nurse.

Confessions of a Coffee Crazed Nurse

So it's been established that I love my job. And Wednesday I got to do a fabulous delivery. The kind that brings tears to my eyes. A lovely young couple, having their first baby. There's nothing more magical than to see the instant bond between the parents and the infant as he's born. Both mom and dad burst into tears as the head came out and cradled their new infant, never taking their eyes off him. I love those moments.

And here's some pics of my son, shortly after he was born!

In the hospital, after his bath!

Going home! Looks like a pirate . . .

Escaping from his blanket. Hard to think he was ever that small!

Confessions of a Coffee Crazed Nurse

When I worked med/surg, I took care of my fair share of drug-seekers. Not chronic pain patients that get labeled "drug-seekers", but actual drug-seekers. Making up symptoms to be admitted to get IV pain meds.

The one that stands out in my mind was a frequent flyer. At one of the hospitals every month or so. His complaints were either chest pain or GI bleed (blood in his stool). He'd be admitted for a complete workup but was always "nauseous" and in "pain". What was ordered for him? Dilaudid and phenergan. When given together through the IV, they cause a temporary high. Why was he continuously admitted when we knew what he wanted? Liability. If something was actually wrong and he wasn't admitted . . .bad news. And he did things like dig out his internal hemmorhoid to make himself bleed (to convince the ER docs that he had a GI bleed).

On one of his stints on our floor, he smuggled in dilaudid tablets, phenergan tablets, and percocet. He requested phenergan and dilaudid for his nausea and pain. Given through the IV. Then (and this is the good part) he managed to fish a used syringe out of the sharps container (I still don't know how he did it). He crushed all his pills, disolved them in water in a cup, pulled it up in the syringe, and put it in his IV. He just about died. I was the one who found him comatose in the bathroom in his room. He was still breathing. Barely.

He was put under one on one care with a sitter, and offered drug rehab and psychological counseling. Both of which he declined. He died 6 months later from a drug overdose. I feel sorry for his wife and 2 children.

Confessions of a Coffee Crazed Nurse

It's that time again! Today will be more generalized. Before I worked at the Birth Center (where I'm at now), I worked on a busy medical/surgical floor. A very tough floor to work on. We saw pretty much every type of patient you could imagine. GI bleeds, overdose, suicidal patients, psych patients, post surgical, wound/infection, trauma, pneumonia, cardiac patients . . . you get the idea. Some patients were very critical, some, uh, not so much (like drug-seekers). I enjoyed working on this floor and learned a ton. Had my share of codes and deaths, good patients and bad. I wanted to work med/surg for a few years before specializing so that I had a solid background and I know I'm a better nurse for doing this. And overall, I don't miss it.

But, there are a few things I DO miss. Here they are:

1. I miss my old co-workers. We had a great team and we all worked well together.

2. I miss doing codes. Sounds weird, I know. But it's such an adrenaline rush and satisfying to see the results of your effort so quickly (I do get similar exposure with "bad" deliveries or moms with post-partum hemmorhage)

3. I miss the doctors I worked with. The docs I saw every day were AWESOME! Caring, compassionate, listened to nurses (that's a biggie), and joked with us and were fun.

4. I miss the little old ladies and men. Little old men are so freaking cute! I'm sorry - they just are! And the little old ladies . . .especially the ones who cussed. I wanted to bring them all home! Especially little old asian ladies. There is nothing more darling! Sadly, my hubby said no . . .

5. Deaths. Why on earth would I miss people dying? Because the deaths that I was involved in were hospice patients. They weren't easy, but it's rewarding to be there for the families.

I don't want to do med/surg any more, and I LOVE working in the birth center. There is a part of me though that longs for the excitement of ER nursing or flight nursing. Maybe one day . . .

Melissa and I in the 10th floor nurses station. One of my bestest friends!

Me and Dr. Monticelli - one of my all-time favorite doctors!

Dr. Harbison and I. Another awesome doctor!

Valerie and I. A fabulous nurse! Though, we had a way of hastening the death of hospice patients. No, not on purpose. We just always happened to be working together when either one of mine or her patients passed. Kind of an aweful coincidence.

Jill and I! With Valerie and Melissa in the background! Jill was nice enough to follow me to the birth center! Yay!!!

Alright, last one. Me and Dr. Porat! Another one of my all-time fav docs! Showing off his novel!! Which is a good read, by the way. It's called The Other Face of Murder.