Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Confessions of a Coffee Crazed Nurse

The things that my patients tell me never cease to amaze me.

Take for example Jane, and her husband John (no, not their real names!). So, they're an odd couple to begin with, and have questions about everything.

For example, baby has hiccups. John, "why does he have hiccups? What does that mean? Is that bad? What do you do for hiccups? Should you call the pediatrician?"

Um, dude, your baby has hiccups. Why do you get hiccups? What does that mean? Should we call your cardiologist? Calm down. It's hiccups.

So anyway, John comes to the nurse's station with this deer-in-the-headlights look. I look at him expectantly. He says "I need you for a couple of things."

Me: Okay.

John: Um, can you bring a mop to the room?

Me: Okaaaaaaaaay . . . .

John: And could you take a look at Jane? She's peeing sideways.

Me: Uhhhhhhhhh, sure . . . . (I'm totally thinking WTF do you mean by peeing sideways?)

John: (as we're walking to his room) I don't know what it is. It's like she sits down to pee, and it just shoots out sideways.

Me: Riiiiiiight.

So I go into the bathroom in their room and ask Jane what's up.

Jane: I don't know. When I pee it kinda trickles down my leg a little onto the floor.

Now, let me share something with you. Jane is a big gal. Big. One of her thighs is the circumference of my hips. I don't know if you've ever been sitting on the toilet, slightly more forward than normal, with your legs pressed very firmly together. Pee tends to pool right there. Right where your thighs form a little triangle with your vag.

Trust me. Every woman has experienced this one time or another. And if you say no, you're totally lying.

But I don't have the heart to tell her "dude, you need to sit farther back on the toilet and spread your legs ever so slightly. See, you is rather ample sized, and your vag needs to be completely over the toilet opening. Not mashed between your thunder thighs.

Yeah. Very inappropriate to say that.

So instead I tell her to do some kegels. Seriously y'all. I'm all "well, your pelvic floor muscles have been stretched during pregnancy and delivery, so you need to do kegels to strengthen them. This will help move the bladder back into it's normal position, and will also help with stress incontinence later on in life."

Win for me.

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