Do you know satire?

From Art and Popular Culture:

Satire (from Latin satira, "medley, dish of colourful fruits") is an artistic form, chiefly literary and dramatic, in which human or individual vices, follies, abuses, or shortcomings are held up to censure by means of ridicule, derision, burlesque, irony, or other methods, sometimes with an intent to bring about improvement. It is used in graphic arts and performing arts as well. Although satire is usually witty, and often very funny, the purpose of satire is not primarily humour but criticism of an event, an individual or a group in a clever manner.

I think it's amazing how many people take what I write so literally. I get messages offering support and guidance (to my email, mind you. I guess people don't want to leave those comments on my blog). People who are concerned with my mental state and my stability.

So, for those of you who are concerned, let me make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR:

I AM BAT-SHIT CRAZY.

You get that? That's called sarcasm. This, and other writings of mine can also be classified as satire.

I am not, I repeat NOT a serious writer. Or maybe I am. One of the two.

Here's the important part. Gather 'round my tender lumplings, as I'll only say this once. Almost everything I write is humor, satire, and sarcasm. Do I have some serious posts? YES. Do I have some vent posts? YES.

When I write about my bipolar disorder, I'm doing so to add humor to an otherwise taboo subject. People don't like to talk about mental illness. It's a touchy subject. One of us "crazies" might get offended or upset or go into a raging psychotic episode. (satire, people).

Which is why I write about it. If I can put a humerous spin on it, maybe people will stop being so judgmental. Maybe people won't be afraid to talk about it. Maybe, just maybe, someone will learn something. And if not, maybe I can get a laugh.

Take everything I write with a grain of salt. If you know me, you know I use humor as a means to get my message across. You take away that, you take away my voice. And also my most effective coping mechanism. See that? I use humor as a defense mechanism. To handle stressfull situations. That's psychology, people. I just taught you something.

You're wellcome.

Seriously, I'm NOT crazy . . .

Well maybe a little.
So I went to my doctor today (a different doc at my family practice office) as I can't get in to see a psychiatrist. It seems Colorado Springs is chalk-full of crazies and no one is accepting new clients. Awesome.
So anyway, I go to see PA Foss, to talk about my depression, and meds, and what I should be doing. I told her that I took myself off of the Prestiq as it made me feel like crap, and that I put myself back on Zoloft and increased the dose from 150mg to 200mg (the max dose). I'm all I stopped the Prestiq 2 dayse ago and I'm on day 3 of being back on the Zoloft and I feel fantastic! And she's all okaaaaaaay. So I tell her - it's okay - I'm a nurse! She kind of nods her head knowingly.
Then she asks me how my moods were before I ever started an antidepressant. So I tell her about knowing I had depressive feelings in middle school, and that I was a cutter in 6th grade but that I totally sucked at it because I don't like pain, and that most of the time I felt pretty normal but just with marked depressive periods. Then shes all have you ever spent money you didn't have on things you didn't need? And I'm all nooooo . . . . .wait! Yes! Yes I did! And then, did you ever go days on only a couple hours of sleep? Ummmmm, yeeeeeeees? When I was younger - you know - in my early 20's.
(I'm starting to feel slightly uneasy at this point, mind you). Then she asks, ever think you could take ever the world? And I'm all DUH! I'm freaking awesome! I could totally do it! She stares at me. I'm all I'm just joking, you know. I couldn't take over the world. Not without help, at least. I need minions.
She nods again. I feel a little crazy. I'm thinking, is she testing me? Man, I'm gonna fail . . .
But then she tells me she thinks that I don't have depression. She thinks I'm BIPOLAR.
Wait. What?
She says, not the crazy, full-on manic type of bipolar. Type 2, which generally has periods of elevated mood followed by depression. You fit that to a T. And most antidepressants don't work for you. And when you find one that does (Zoloft), you have to keep increasing the dose, which gives you an elevated mood for awhile, followed by depression again.
Which is too true, y'all.
I kinda laugh and say, funny you should mention bipolar. My husband has said that for a while now. (she's just staring at me). I mean, because, I always share way too much inappropriate stuff with everyone. People I work with know all about my vagina.
(she just keeps staring). I mean, people I know pretty well. They think it's hilarious. (SHIT. She has to think I'm crazy. Thanks a lot, mouth).
She says, yeah, that's pretty hallmark behavior. But there's no TMI in here!
Anyway, we're keeping me on the Zoloft and slowly adding Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer for Bipolar disorder.
We'll see how it goes.

Rock Out With Your Cock Out!

Occasionally I like to share disturbing shit with you. Like this:

BAD-ASS COCK PANTS!!!!

You're welcome.

OH MY GOD OLD SPICE!!!!!!!!

Have you seen the latest Old Spice commercials?
No?
What the fuck is wrong with you?????


More awesome:



EVEN MORE AWESOME:



By the way?
You're welcome.

Conversations with Jeremy

The other day, Jeremy was trimming his goatee. After I had just cleaned the bathroom. He always seems to need to shave or trim the same day I clean the bathroom. Without fail. So of course I have to give him a hard time about the hair on the sink. And then he starts trimming his eyebrows.
His eyebrows y'all.
I snicker at him.

Jeremy: What?

Me: Nothing. You're just trimming your eyebrows. You're a guy.

Jeremy: So? I have some old man hairs.

Me: Old man hairs?

Jeremy: You know, longer hairs? Old man hairs? If I had old man hairs in my nose I'd trim them too.

Me: That's just gross.

Jeremy: If I had long nose hair, what would you tell me?

Me: To trim it.

Jeremy: See? I thought that would be "gross".

Me: My point exactly.

Jeremy: *shakes his head* I don't understand you. *makes a slurping noise and wipes his mouth*

Me: Did you just drool? Are you drooling?

Jeremy: Yeah. (sarcastically) My own hair makes me drool. *mummbles something I can't quite make out*

Me: Did you just say you're being spontaneous?

Jeremy: Yes. Spontaneous. My hair makes me drool and act spontaneously.

Me: Okay. Now that's just weird. And if it were true I'd be all 'dude, you're weird'. And you'd say 'don't judge me man.' And I'd be all 'whatever! I'll judge you if I want!' and then I'd throw a donut at your head. Well, a bear claw, 'cause those are stickier.

Jeremy: *walking away* I don't get you.

Yes, I'm truly that awesome.

I can't believe I'm posting this . . . .TESTICLES!!

Okay. So a couple of weeks ago, I had a valid medical question. Valid in my twisted mind at least. I was at work and wondering, if a guy had one of his testicles removed, would the remaining testicle stay in it's own sack, or would it kind of migrate around? I posed this question to my coworkers (remember, I'm an OB/GYN nurse), and a couple of proud new dads who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (I'm very professional - I know).

No one had a good answer! Funny ones, but hey, I wanted hard medical data (actually, I wanted a laugh).

Fast forward to today, where I looked it up on the interwebs!

Yeah - my google search line was "if I only had one testicle, which way would it hang". OMG the stuff that popped up.

Anyway, the surgical procedure is called orchiectomy. The testicle is removed through a small incision in the lower pelvis. It's a quick procedure - about 45 minutes. I read through several medical journals explaining the procedure and anatomy (including pics!). I won't bore you with that. Testicles are gross and not terribly exciting. And they're just weird looking. All wrinkly and pendulous . . . . .ewww.

But I found my answer - the remaining testicle will stay in it's own sack! Woot! I feel so accomplished today!!

And I was going to share a pic, but, well . . . .I figured y'all could look up your own porn.

So here's Zan. Looking excited as always.

You're welcome.