Frustrated

Do you know how annoying it is to be on meds for bipolar and still be having hypomania? It's getting old. At first, I was all about the hypomanic states. I had tons of energy, I was always in a good mood, quick to laugh . . . it was kinda nice. Especially compared to my depression.
But the mania is now becoming a nuissance. I'm getting more and more inappropriate at work, cussing a lot more, and feeling unstable in my moods.
NOT a good sign.
I have yet to find a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients and my PA I've been seeing, she's great, but psych is not her specialty. I'm worried I'll have to switch up my meds and start all over.
So it's frustrating, to say the least. I have to make a very strong conscious effort to keep control of my behavior. And it's getting tiresome. I'm at the point where I don't really know what to do. I've been wanting to go out less and less because I'm worried about how I'll act.
And as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm going to cry, whereas this morning I was hyper and manic. I'm cycling rapidly.
If y'all have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Seriously, I'm NOT crazy . . .

Well maybe a little.
So I went to my doctor today (a different doc at my family practice office) as I can't get in to see a psychiatrist. It seems Colorado Springs is chalk-full of crazies and no one is accepting new clients. Awesome.
So anyway, I go to see PA Foss, to talk about my depression, and meds, and what I should be doing. I told her that I took myself off of the Prestiq as it made me feel like crap, and that I put myself back on Zoloft and increased the dose from 150mg to 200mg (the max dose). I'm all I stopped the Prestiq 2 dayse ago and I'm on day 3 of being back on the Zoloft and I feel fantastic! And she's all okaaaaaaay. So I tell her - it's okay - I'm a nurse! She kind of nods her head knowingly.
Then she asks me how my moods were before I ever started an antidepressant. So I tell her about knowing I had depressive feelings in middle school, and that I was a cutter in 6th grade but that I totally sucked at it because I don't like pain, and that most of the time I felt pretty normal but just with marked depressive periods. Then shes all have you ever spent money you didn't have on things you didn't need? And I'm all nooooo . . . . .wait! Yes! Yes I did! And then, did you ever go days on only a couple hours of sleep? Ummmmm, yeeeeeeees? When I was younger - you know - in my early 20's.
(I'm starting to feel slightly uneasy at this point, mind you). Then she asks, ever think you could take ever the world? And I'm all DUH! I'm freaking awesome! I could totally do it! She stares at me. I'm all I'm just joking, you know. I couldn't take over the world. Not without help, at least. I need minions.
She nods again. I feel a little crazy. I'm thinking, is she testing me? Man, I'm gonna fail . . .
But then she tells me she thinks that I don't have depression. She thinks I'm BIPOLAR.
Wait. What?
She says, not the crazy, full-on manic type of bipolar. Type 2, which generally has periods of elevated mood followed by depression. You fit that to a T. And most antidepressants don't work for you. And when you find one that does (Zoloft), you have to keep increasing the dose, which gives you an elevated mood for awhile, followed by depression again.
Which is too true, y'all.
I kinda laugh and say, funny you should mention bipolar. My husband has said that for a while now. (she's just staring at me). I mean, because, I always share way too much inappropriate stuff with everyone. People I work with know all about my vagina.
(she just keeps staring). I mean, people I know pretty well. They think it's hilarious. (SHIT. She has to think I'm crazy. Thanks a lot, mouth).
She says, yeah, that's pretty hallmark behavior. But there's no TMI in here!
Anyway, we're keeping me on the Zoloft and slowly adding Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer for Bipolar disorder.
We'll see how it goes.

Project 365

This is my "fuck you, depression" look.

Ummmmmmm . . . .

WTF, Prestiq???????? Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better? Okay seriously. As an antidepressant, you're supposed to control my depressive symptoms, yes? I take you every day, you make me feel better.
Well, you're not holding up your end of the bargain. I'm taking you daily, and I'm increasingly feeling like crap.
So, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I mean, really. How many more antidepressants do I have to try before I find one that consistantly works. Prestiq is the 4th one I've been on. Lexapro killed my sex drive, Welbutrin made me homicidal and suicidal, Zoloft stopped working, and Prestiq apparently gives me unstable moods.
I'm about to bitch slap that stupid bottle of pills.
Fuck you, Prestiq, for making me feel like a failure.

I'm trying an expiriment . . . . .

I'm going to be scientific. I can picture myself right now in a crisp white lab coat, clipboard in hand, hair pulled back and slightly disheveled, with a pencil held loosely in my mouth.

Because apparently that's how I'd look if I was being scientific. I don't know why. Don't judge me.

Anyway, if you read my bloggy blog at all, you know I have depression. You also know that I recently switched medications. I'm on a new antidepressant called Prestique. Sounds fancy, yeah? So, it's going pretty well. Could be better, but I've only been on it for 4 weeks and it can take a minimum of 6-8 weeks to reach therapeutic levels.

But I've had some really bad days. And I mean bad. I've been keeping track of my bad days and the circumstances around those days. What happened the previous day, that morning, what made me feel better, worse, etc. Some of my bad days, like last Saturday, were full-on depression (which spawned my latest painting). Some days, like yesterday, are a "down" feeling coupled with anger. Neither are pleasant.

I have noticed a common factor, however.

Sugar.

Yes, sugar. It seems that if I consume a large amount of sugar, the following day I feel like complete shit. Either the depressed or the very angry. Which sucks because sugar is sooooo fucking good. I mean, come on. Who doesn't like cookies and cupcakes and whatnot????

So here's what I'm going to do: try and cut out most sugar. Meaning, no soda, no candy or chocolate, no cakes, cupcakes, or cookies.

Do you realize how much this is going to suck????

But, if it keeps me from feeling like shit all the time, I'm all for it.

One thing I won't give up is my flavored coffee creamer. I can't do the sugar-free crap. It tastes like, well, crap.

I'm totally a scientist.

I think I know what my problem is . . . .

So, yesterday I posted my irkiness about my blog (yes, I made that word up - you're welcome). And I think I know what part of my problem is.

My head.

Or, more specifically, the neurotransmitters in my brain. And now I'm sure you're all "WTF, Cami?"

Here. I'll be honest with you. Because that's how I roll. I suffer from depression. "WTF?!? Depression?!?" Yes, yes. Depression has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. However, it got way worse after Ayden was born. So, I've been on antidepressants for the past 3 years. And for the most part, they've worked well.

Except for now. I've been on Zoloft (I'm on the max dose), and it's no longer working for me. I've been irritable as freaking hell lately, and my depressive symptoms are returning. So much so that I haven't been in the mood to sew or do much of anything. I put Ayden down for a nap and I take one myself. Not because I'm tired, mind you. But because it's easier to nap than to deal with anything else.

And if you're one of those people who think people with depression should "just get over it", I invite you to STFU!!!!

So anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday, and I'll be switching to a brand new antidepressant - and by new, I mean new to me and new to the market. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll be back to myself and get my creative juices flowing.

Or I'll go on a killing spree when it gives me thoughts of homicidal ideation.

One of those.

Don't worry - I won't kill people. I say that in jest. How dare you even entertain the idea that I was serious. Shame on you.